Lately I’ve read a few articles where they gush about N/A bev programs. This guy is leading the pack, she’s got a book out about it. Yada, yada. “Oh man, I had the most amazing black rice and ground turtle shell boba with force carbonated burdock juice the other night.” Hate to break it to you, but it’s a weak marketing scheme on the same level as vegan products. Yes, it’s much the same to hock disgusting pseudo food laced with a plethora of chemical ingredients instead of just selling them a vegetable or a piece of meat. Want to eat veggies? Great, no problem, but don’t tell me about your vegan tempura “bacon.” It’s not bacon, dude. Some dork in a white coat made it in a lab then passed it off to a crew of demonic advertising and marketing executives in a smokey, dark room. Here’s an idea, go eat a roasted yam, I’m obsessed with them. Delicious and nutritious.

Same goes for the N/A Negroni. Who farted? Sorry, but just drink a real Negroni. Ok, I get it, I get it, alcohol is bad for you. It’s poison. Really? Really. Yes, some people have drinking problems or just want to take a little break. Here’s my advice: There’s a great product out there that has existed for the last century, it’s called Coca-Cola. Oh, it’s not healthy enough for you Jack Lalanne? Well do you think that weird non-alcoholic shit you’re drinking is? There’s probably a good amount of sugar in there, pal. Yeah, the ingredient that makes booze more palatable and cocktails taste good. How healthy do you want to be? Because if you’re nutty about it then maybe you should just be drinking water and green tea.

For those of you living in a big megalopolis like Los Angeles, I hope you’re aware the very air we breathe is killing us. We’re full of plastic now. A high percentage of our tap water is stacked with a strange brew of chemical agents because it was filtered and transformed from a massive vat of feces and urine. Oh, you don’t drink tap water? Do you take hot showers genius? Yeah, you’re breathing it. Have a real cocktail, you’ll feel better. The next time you’re presented with an ambergris and verdigris faux martini, run.

It’s been worse and this trend too, shall hopefully pass. At one point in New York, some restaurants actually had water sommeliers. I’m not bullshitting you. “Hello everyone, water preference tonight? You should really try the humanly sourced well water from Van Buren, Arkansas. It’s superb. A touch of sulfur on the nose, redolent of ashtray, goat hooves, and toasted pine nuts.

Hey, I’ve been drinking N/A beverages my whole life. We all have. Gatorade anyone? There’s only four general categories: Water, soda, coffee, tea. That’s pretty much the gist of it. Your koji rice garbanzo bean amazake drink with locally sourced camel jizz and cream of evaporated bitter melon stems can go pound sand. Your chestnuts that have been partially digested in a farmed squirrel’s digestive tract and gathered from their pebbly turds then fermented and vacuumed distilled to remove the alcohol? A for effort, nerd.

Oh god, oh god, the non-alcoholic wine option. I can’t. “It’s more than just grape juice.” Is it?

A lot of these products come my way. I want to like them, I really do, but they taste like distilled despair. Yes, not drinking is as depressing as drinking. Hey, maybe I’m on a roll here. I made the mistake of walking down the street with my two year old son to go get a coffee this morning. I would have rather sparred with Tyson for a round. The angst is real, but I’ve got to say the well earned coffee, my choice of non-alcoholic spirit this morning, is quite delicious.