Kiwi. Say it loud, say it proud. KIWI! Yes, yes, the bountiful bosom of California has blessed us with a bunch of these weird, shaggy little old man testicles this winter courtesy of J.J.’s Lone Daughter Ranch up in Redlands, CA. Yeah, I don’t know where that is either.

I feel like my childhood had a lot of kiwi in it. I rarely ate anything considered “healthy” by today’s standards but fresh bananas, apples, and kiwi were always around to help push all the gluten, sugar, and highly processed fats out of my young digestive tract.

Who knew they originally came from mainland China and Taiwan. Well, I guess I do now, and so do you. I mean, my ancestors are from the more depressing areas of Western Europe where it’s dismal most of the year. Not much fruit growth happening over there. Lots of bread and gruel eating. Maybe the occasional mutton. Being poor at a latitude like that was much different than, let’s say, anywhere in the Caribbean where fruit grows everywhere and there’s so much it goes to waste.

I went to Puerto Rico a few years back and my favorite fruit, the mango, was more nuisance to the locals than the luscious ingredient we know and love. They (the mangoes not the locals) would fall from the tall trees and break car windows. Some streets were literally lined with smashed mangoes in various states of rot. I have no idea what any of this has to do with kiwi.

Let’s bring it all back.

Why does the kiwi work so well in cocktails? Well, let’s think. They’re both sweet and acidic which brings into the same room with such juggernauts as the pineapple. I’m surprised they’re not more common. It’s not so hard to make kiwi syrup. Yes, it does get brownish as it gets older but not in an unmanageable or totally gross way.

A fun fact I stole directly from the Michelin Guide website. There’s an enzyme in kiwi called actinidain which breaks down proteins like dairy and gelatin, so don’t put it into a custard or panna cotta. But, because of this, it makes a great meat tenderizer. Grilled kiwi ribeyes anyone?

Anyway, it’s getting late, here’s the cocktail specs.

Quick Edit: Oh wait, kiwi sherbet. Pretty easy. Peel some kiwi, weigh them (the flesh not the peels, dummy) add equal parts any fresh or leftover lime or lemon juice you have around. So, let’s say 200 grams peeled kiwi, 200 grams juice. If you’re using fresh juice then add the peels from the same limes or lemons. Once you have all of this, add equal parts by weight sugar. So, 400 grams. Mix it all up and let it sit for an hour. once you do this, you have two choices: blend it all in a Vitamix or cook it all in a pot. I prefer no heat but not everyone has a Vitamix at home. Once it’s all incorporated with your chosen method, pass it all through a chinois (that’s a strainer, dumbass). I suppose you can also use this in a non-alcoholic beverage if you’re feeling ultra lame, make yourself a sparkling kiwi lemonade.

Beauty Queen

1 oz. Barrel Aged Cachaca

.5 oz. Oaxacan Rum

.5 oz. Fresh Lime Juice

.5 oz. Kiwi Sherbet

.25 oz. Fresh Lemon Juice

.25 oz. Lime Sherbet

Shake and double strain into a large coupe, top with champagne and finish with two blasts of absinthe.