A lot of these guys out here make their berry syrups by cooking them in a pot or putting simple syrup and berries in a vacuum sealed bag and sous viding the whole thing at yada yada temp for yada yada amount of hours. Sorry, no time for that shit. Plus, I’ve got to say that when any type of fruit is cooked it tends to lose its flavor. Doing your own jams, jellies, whatever at home, ok, I get it. You and grandma want to jar up the early summer harvest for PB and Js down the road.

But if you and grandma want to quaff some delicious berry margaritas after going picking, then you’ll need to listen to a pro.

First off, this recipe is solely dependent on you having a Vitamix machine. I’m sure there’s comparable blenders out there, these are just the ones we use in kitchens that, unlike most commercial products, are available to the public for a decent price. Yes, they are $500, but here’s the thing. How many shitty blenders have you owned in your life? Add up all that money and you’ve got yourself a Vitamix you can mix concrete in.

I said no more doing that annoying recipe thing where you have to sit through my dumb stories, so here it is:

Equal parts berries and sugar by weight.

Yeah, that’s it. So, if you have 300 grams of berries simply measure out 300 grams of sugar. Mind blown? It’s really not that hard to do this stuff. Yes, I know your fancy cocktail book said what you needed to do. Listen to me, I kick ass five nights a week.

Right below we have 475 grams of blackberries and raspberries sitting alongside 475 grams of sugar. Both are organic. No glyphosate please.

Just dump everything into the blender pitcher. Berries first.

Start slow and move everything around with the muddler thingy.

When it starts to incorporate, crank it all the way. Don’t be scared, homie.

Go for about two minutes to dissolve all the sugar. Don’t go full ham. Why? Because I said so. No, really. If you puree this all too much you’ll also break up the seeds and the syrup, later on, becomes a thick, gelatinous blob. I don’t know, maybe you want it that way but I need to be able to squeeze it out of a plastic bottle during service.

Once the blender action is finished, pour it out into your chinois/four quart cup set up and push it all through with a two ounce ladle. Like all things worthwhile, it’ll take a modicum of effort.

Drip…Drip…

When finished, use a spatula and scrape it into a receptacle of choice. It looks and tastes best, of course, within the first week. Mmmmmm. Glistening. Purple. And oh so thiiiiiiiick.

This made about 3/4 of a quart. Yes, I know. Metric and American together in one recipe. Sue me.

This system works great for strawberries too, any berries really. Yes, you can use it in your stupid NA drinks. Here’s how I would do it.

Berry Delicious Soda

3/4 oz. Fresh Lime Juice

3/4 oz. Berry Syrup

Syrup sticking to the side of your jigger and annoying you? Pour the lime juice into your jigger first, then add the syrup, dumbass. No. Both in the same jigger at once. Got it? Yes? Jeez. How easy was that?

Use an 11 oz. Collin’s glass. Put the ingredients in and then fill the glass 5/9ths of the way full with your choice of sparkling water. Yes, 5/9ths. Don’t argue with me. Stir it up nice so the syrup doesn’t just sit on the bottom, then add your ice. Stir it again briefly to get it all cold. Enjoy!