I came across a restaurant’s cocktail video yesterday on instagram and instantly felt a combination of seething rage, annoyance, and at the pure pomposity of the whole production. A dude in a button up shirt, face obscured, pouring milk punch from a fancy crystal decanter onto an ice sphere into an overly grandiose rocks glass placed on a crystal and gold encrusted coaster. It reminded me of some kind of cheap David Copperfield knock off Are people falling for this shit? Are these bartenders justifying their insane cocktail prices by encasing everything in expensive crockery? I hope so. I’m not paying $30 for a beverage if it’s in a regular old glass and I definitely need to see it poured from multiple vessels before it goes on ice, hopefully with an over the top garnish I have to remove before drinking.

At the end of the day, it’s a cocktail. It either tastes good or it doesn’t. I know, I know, cocktails should get some just desserts but this level is too cartoonishly garish. It’s just as bad when they do this kind of thing with food, by the way, but I have a hard time remembering any food videos done in this manner. I’m sure they exist, but this type of ridiculousness seems to specifically revolve around the bar.

Someone has to say it. I think we can all discern between the good, the bad, and the ugly here. I’m not going to expressly call anyone out, you know who you are, but, in the immortal words of Georges Saint Pierre, “I am not impressed with your performance.”

There’s a lot of excellent work out there like one of my favorites, The Thirsty Whale, a former bartender who now makes a living pumping out quality content on the reg. I think we’d all like to do our thing. He’s seamless and makes good drinks without any trace of douchebaggery. We all want that, we’ve all thought about creating a Tik Tok account and showing people how to make margaritas.

Yes, some restaurants now have an entry fee which is more than the average schmuck’s weekly take home. It’s not longer eating out, it’s an “experience.” Don’t get me started on some of the other terms being switched around. When I go to buy a pair of socks at the Gap, and it’s my turn to pay, the cashier will say, “Next guest please.” Huh? I wasn’t aware I was staying the night nestled up inside the shirt rack with a pile of jeans as a pillow. Guest used to mean someone staying over or invited into your house, now it’s a hospitality term extended to mean a person who pays to dine at a restaurant or stay at a hotel. Yes, I’m a hospitality driven individual, no, you’re not my guest. Eat, pay, leave.

Jealous? Probably. I have no access to any fancy gadgets, glassware, or even decent ice. Yeah, no Kold draft machine, no c-vap, centrifuge, pebble icer, shelving…Insert tears running down my cheek here…Despite our program being excluded from the twenty first century, I think we’re still able to put up a decent tasting cocktail.

the reason I’ve got all this on my radar in the first place is because people have been pushing me as of late to start doing videos. The problem is, I really don’t like having cameras on me. I come across as wooden and nervous the second the tape starts running. I don’t like seeing myself or hearing my own voice. It’s been in my mind a lot lately. Can I continue doing this into old age? I still feel pretty good. I’m grateful I’m still in good enough shape to be able to do this, but I’m also wondering what the hell else I can do. I’ve still got over twenty years until retirement…Maybe I’ll become a burnt out shell of my former self, a washed up booze peddler looking for the next great hustle like Paul Newman’s “Fast” Eddie Felson in The Color of Money.

If you see me doing crappy instagram videos in the future, just know it’ll be normal and for the at home types. Dad bod and all.