Schnuckiputzi, our first $100 cocktail is going to the top of the seasonal menu today. I’ll admit, it took more technical know how than I had at my disposal. We sought out only the world’s finest for this one. Three consultants: Nico DeSoto, Jillian Vose, and the magnificent Phil Ward. They owed us a favor and put their combined heads together to help create Santa Monica’s greatest guzzle.

First up, the main spirit. The strong, the booze, the backbone of any cocktail. Unbeknownst to most, in the 18th century, whaling sailors (not wailing sailors, that’s something different), because they would be out at sea for years at a time, would make hootch from a dual combination of tortoise shells and ambergris. Dubbed “Horizonte” by the Portugese, it was said to imbue the chosen imbibee with magical properties after quaffing a pint or so and caused them to slide deep into “whale sleep” an altered state of consciousness where one could sometimes predict future events as they were happening. A combination of deja vu, somnambulism, and narcolepsy. The one side effect, however, was extreme halitosis and an itchy, burning sensation in various orifices. Anyway, one of our liquor reps obtained a barrel for us that was found off the shores of Florida in shipwrecks by deep sea divers.

Now onto the sweet. In the Australian Outback lurks the Foxfruit, a tropical berry that grows only in the driest areas populated by spiders and fire ants. We procured some through mail order. A company stationed in Melbourne feeds the berries to wombats. The wombat feces contain the fermented Foxfruit which is then dried and shipped. The technique, given the cheeky name “fart washing,” has caught the cocktail world ablaze and bartenders throughout the world have now started to experiment with other types of fruit as well as other animals. Stay tuned for some locally sourced items.

We rehydrated the Foxfruit with aged apis mellifera lacto embalmer, also known as pickled honey bee carcasses. The result was fantastic, but murky. Since we have no centrifuge to speak of, I strapped four vials of the rehydrated “wombat abergris inebriant” to each of the rims on my car and went out onto the 405 for a half hour at an average speed of 90 miles per hour. That did the trick.

The cocktail was drunk by myself, Denise, and Angel, and extracted via stomach pump before it entered our livers. Props to the team over at Saint John’s for the assist. Why? Why not?

On to the acid. We decided as a squad to include a spiritual element to the drink. I took upon myself to have a case of limes blessed by a rabbi, a priest, an imam, and a Scientology chaplain as well as a 90 year old buddhist monk. Just so you know, we hand squeeze each lime to order.

Last but not least, the foam. Yes, we’re aware parmesan cheese whips are now part of the cocktail zeitgeist but we’re taking it up several notches. Nope, not what you’re thinking (breast milk cheese right?). No, no. A simple whip of leftover ostrich egg whites, green strawberry honey, Grand Marnier, and lactic acid. We’ll find something in the larder to top it with and make it look nice.

Schnuckiputzi

3 oz. Wombat Ambergris Inebriant

3/4 oz. Blessed Fresh Lime

Shake, strain into a rocks glass.

Top with whipped ostrich egg whites and dehydrated dragonfruit.