Posting the recipe first and the stupid story second.

1 Cup Mayonnaise, aioli, whatever

1 Cup Sour Cream (yogurt if you want to be healthy)

1 Cup Buttermilk

One Bunch Fresh Dill (as finely chopped as possible)

One Bunch Fresh Parsley (as finely chopped as possible)

1 tsp. Salt

1 tsp. Onion Powder

1 tsp. Dijon Mustard

1/2 tsp. Garlic Powder

Juice of One Lemon (no seeds please)

Two Shallots (fine diced)

Combine in bowl and stir with a whisk until fully incorporated. This makes about three quarters of a quart. Store in a glass jar.

I make this once a week for the missus, a confessed ranch addict, who prefers the yogurt version and uses it mostly for dipping vegetables. Me, I could be quite happy drinking ranch.

Steve Henson is the man we can all thank for inventing ranch (see picture above). It was 1952 in Santa Barbara for, you guessed it, Hidden Valley Ranch. Many articles claim it was the first creamy dressing. Uh, wrongo. That was probably Caesar in the 1920s. What is most interesting to me, when considering the duo of great creamy dressings, is how ranch exploded and Caesar did not. On paper and in the mouth, Caesar simply has more depth of flavor (umami from the cheese and anchovy) and in my opinion is the superior of the two. Ranch just has a better PR person. Maybe it’s the anchovies that throw people off of Caesar. I don’t know. Ranch, however, has strange addictive properties.

To tie it all together, I’ve got to brainstorm how it would work in a cocktail. I’ve thought about incorporating dill now for many years. There’s some great dill cocktails out there I’m sure. I mean, shit, we made a pea cocktail that people actually like…Why not dill? The buttermilk portion is easy enough, we make plenty of clarified “calpico” but the rest, the onion and garlic? Boy, I’m not sure. Garlic is such a distinctive flavor. Onion can be toned down through caramelization. The herbs, parsley and dill would probably work great, but the whole point would be to make it taste like ranch, no? And I don’t think I want a cocktail that tastes like ranch. Perfection is better left alone. The great movies should never have to experience a remake and the great dishes, even dressings, shouldn’t have to be made into drinks. That said, a man can dream…