Let’s imagine you experienced amnesia and had no idea what bartending entailed and I had to explain to you what I do.

“I take alcohol–“

“Wait, sorry, what is alcohol?”

“It’s a liquid drug that makes you feel really good, all your troubles melt away for a small time, but if you have too much it makes you feel like complete ass the next day and if you go really crazy and have a certain amount of too much it can kill you.”

“What? And it’s illegal?”

“No. Quite legal. Allow me to continue?”

“Yes…Of course.”

“I take alcohol upstairs and organize it. It comes in cardboard boxes and in the boxes are glass bottles. I put them all on shelves and look at them as they glisten and beckon to me.”

“Why?”

“I store them until I need them.”

“No, why do they beckon to you?”

“Because there’s a whole lot of good times in those bottles as well as a hell of a lot of sadness. Alcohol is a powerful medicine. A little can go a long way and a lot can send you down a road of darkness.”

“Explain what you do with it.”

“Ok. I won’t get into the specific types, that would take days, but what I do is take these bottles downstairs (after putting them upstairs) and then attempt to make them more palatable and interesting by combining them with the two other major ingredients of bartending–sugar and citrus.”

“What do the ingredients do?”

“They make alcohol even more dangerous because it becomes ultra delicious.”

“Just sugar and citrus eh?”

“For the most part. We try to be clever as well and use seasonal ingredients to incorporate into our cocktails which is easier said than done.”

“Do other bartenders and bars do this?”

“Actually no. I’d say we’re one of the only ones that do it even though a lot of kitchens try to keep with the seasons when they choose ingredients.”

“Why don’t other bars do it?”

“I have no idea.”

“Well, since you’re so unique you must get paid a lot of money.”

“Well, I get paid ok, but not by my employers, but they do allow me to work there I suppose. I make most of my wages from tips.”

“Tips?”

“Yeah. It’s this extra charge people are socially “required” to give to front of house restaurant workers.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s all the charges for the meal and then out of their good graces people give us extra money.”

“Even though the people that own the restaurant pay you?”

“Yes.”

“Explain.”

“Well, the city’s minimum wage isn’t an actual livable wage. Tipping is just this weird thing where people give waiters and bartenders an extra increment of money, around 20% of their bill on top of the expense of eating out and the taxes.”

“That makes no sense.”

“It does and it doesn’t. If people didn’t tip, we wouldn’t be able to work there for what we actually get paid…Either that or in order for us to be paid a livable wage the menu prices would have to be extremely high.”

“But they’d be paying the same no matter what.”

“Yeah. That’s true.”

“So let me get this straight. You make drinks with a dangerous drug in a place where you get paid very little but the people you give this drug to give you extra money so you can live a decent life?”

“Pretty much.”

“Weird.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you enjoy it?”

“Believe it or not, I really do. I’m getting to an age where it’s taking a toll on my physical and emotional well being.”

“It’s not something you can do until you retire?”

“Oh god no. I mean, technically I could if I stay in good enough shape but I’m not sure I would want to.”

“Why not?”

“I think the biggest toll it takes are the hours. I work from about 3 p.m. to 11p.m. and although that isn’t so late at night, it becomes a real grind after awhile, especially when you have kids.”

“What’s the alternative?”

“Well, the big cliche is to become a brand ambassador or a booze rep but I don’t think you can make as much money doing that as bartending. There is also real estate which is yet another great cliche.”

“Do you not have an education?”

“I’m actually well educated and went to an ivy league school for my master’s.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Part of it is I’ve been doing this so long I’m a bit trapped in the web. Going backwards would require a pay cut of some sort.”

“Ah. So you’re basically fucked.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, at least your employers offer some sort of retirement package.”

“Uh, no.”

“I’ll probably die and be buried in a pauper’s grave.”