On the defensive from the get go this morning, ladies and germs. Hey, you try to write a blog every damn day and see how you feel, especially after a punishing night in the well, my joints sore with the promise of more cocktail shaking in the future. The original title of this post was going to to be “Crap, I’ve Got Nothing,” but then this polished gem appeared in my skull, a vision of my former failures. I’m going to say this now, there are few ways to work watermelon into a cocktail, I’ve found two, and one of them is to use some sort of artificial watermelon flavor. Yes, I know you had a stellar watermelon cocktail at T.G.I. Fridays, off an overpass once, but it was years ago, you were already three sheets to the wind, and the hot wings really messed with your taste buds. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.

Of course, like many beginning concepts, it seemed like such a good idea at the time. We’ve all been there at some point as a young bartender, watermelon on the brain. We juiced and added it to something, mezcal or tequila probably, brought it to the lips, and yeah, no. Massive disappointment. But why? In the past I’ve tried several iterations. Fresh, dehydrated, powdered, infused, syrup. All of it resulting in a huge “meh” moment. It’s confusing as hell because watermelon by itself is so damn good, especially the stuff coming out of the farmer’s market now (Weiser Farms). It also, at least for me, activates the nostalgic part of the brain. Those hot summers by the lake, spitting the seeds out like a machine gun, shooing the ants and flies off the next piece.

I had some watermelon just the other day from a fruit stand. Not organic, probably full of glyphosate, but yeah, still delicious. And yes, despite my troubles attempting to put it into a cocktail I still thought about ways I could do it. There must be a method.

You learn over the years that sometimes, with certain types of fruits, the fresh version is the only version. It’s a little different with vegetables though, isn’t it? Poaching fruit is gross but we do these things in order to preserve. In most cases, nothing will ever beat the fresh versions. Yes, yes, some take on their preservation roles better than others, I’m looking at strawberries and peaches… ish… There are some that almost work better as a syrup, usually the tropical dudes, guava and passionfruit. And some, like pineapple, that pretty much only function well as fresh juice. Watermelon is none of these. The juice tastes like total crap for some reason and like a teenage boy doesn’t last very long. The juice is good for maybe an hour and then turns to liquid feces. Ditto for making a syrup out of it. For reasons unknown it’s very mediocre and doesn’t retain the deliciousness.

It doesn’t stop people from making drinks with watermelon, however. Hey, do what you want. I’m sure someone out there is reading this, quaffing a glorious watermelon potation while wearing a banana hammock at a poolside in Palm Springs, laughing, and thinking I’m a total jackass.

But wait, before you go, there is a way, but a way much more dangerous than the kraken itself. I dd it last year. Do you remember? Were you even there? Ha. Did you think I would write this without having some plan to entice your feeble mind into doubting me before pulling the rug out from under? It’s the second way to add watermelon to a drink and it actually works.