I love a bad conspiracy theory. The crazier the better. Maybe it’s my penchant for science fiction, maybe it’s that I just love to hear something so outrageously stupid, or just plain outlandish, that it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling that I’m not the only crazy one out here on this floating mudball hurtling through space and time at 67,000 MPH. Yeah, when was the last time you thought about that? As a reminder, the conditions here on this planet are just right. We’re known to be in what is called a “Goldilocks zone” where everything is appropriately balanced. Atmosphere with oxygen, check. Plenty of water, check. Electromagnetic shield against incoming solar radiation, check.

So let’s talk about Aldebaran. The theory goes that the human race came from there, but for some stupid reason skipped the beauty and bounty of Earth to settle on Mars, had a big row over there, destroyed the atmosphere with nuclear war, and then everyone came here, to the terra firma we all know and love. Sounds totally possible. I mean, Aldebaran is only 65 light years away. For the uninitiated and uniformed, a light year is the distance light is able to travel in one Earth year and equals around six trillion miles or nine million kilometers. So yeah, 65 of those looks like this: 3.821e+14 (382,110,649,256,934.502505369 miles). When I think of the vastness of space, none of it actually seems real or possible, maybe that’s why it’s so fascinating to think of. I mean, when was the last time you looked at the sky while not near a city? There’s literally billions of them out there, around 100 billion in our Milky Way Galaxy to be exact. One of the big drawbacks of living in a city is we don’t get to gaze upon the stars at night and look up and realize how infinite space is and how inconsequential our lives really are in comparison. Maybe it doesn’t have to be said…

Oh, yes, and the same crazies said Hitler escaped to Antarctica and took a UFO to a planet orbiting Aldebaran where he still lives to this day. The basis of a lot of this stems from something called the vril which can have several meanings and does so throughout any internet search. What I can gather is that it is, in some ways an evil force, in others a secret society, in others, subterranean beings from the Aldebaran system… Depends where you go for your daily dose of crazy. Anyway, there’s a lot of this type of thing out there and always will be. It’s not too much of a stretch to think there’s actual pure evil out there (think: Richard Sackler, most Corporations) as well as actual good (most mothers). We just don’t hear about the good people out there because they’re not as interesting.

I think most conspiracy theories are just well or not so well conceived science fiction books that have yet to be, or will never be written.

In the real world, Aldebaran is a massive red star with a diameter of 37.9 million miles. Compare it to our own sun, which doesn’t have a cool name or number like all the others for some reason. Our little yellow orb is 864,000 miles in diameter. Aldebaran is literally the eye of the bull in the Taurus constellation. One of the brightest stars up there. If you’re so inclined to look. The most ridiculous part of the Aldebaran origin theory is that the planets that revolve around it, two of them, have surface temperatures that would melt iron. The lesson here is, that if you want to come up with something like this then at least choose an exoplanet with comparable conditions to Earth and while you’re at it, pick one thats a little closer than 65 light years.

Notice anything about the above picture? Orion’s belt, once said to be the inspiration behind the alignment of the three Great Pyramids (Now debunked! How would they know anyway?) points right to Aldebaran.

I could keep going but I’ll let it sit for now.

Bull’s Eye

1.5 oz. Living the Dream Blend (Japanese whisky and bourbon)

1 oz. Fresh Lemon Juice

1 oz. Fresh Grapefruit Juice

1 oz. Bananum

.5 oz. Fig Infused White Whiskey

.25 oz. Salted Fig Honey

.25 oz. Allspice Dram

Shake strain, add a couple dashes of ango.

This one was partially inspired by the Bamboozled Angel by the one and only Toby Maloney from The Violet Hour in Chicago and the cocktail, Endzone, from yours truly. Grapefruit and cinnamon or allspice is always a good idea and adding some fig to the get together (or kick back as the kids are calling it) makes it a nice, fun time all around. Shit, this could be a mocktail if it really wanted to. Yes, the specs are ridiculous and could be modified as it barely fits into a rocks glass but that’s the point. After all it’s modeled after Aldebaran.