Caught in the wave of scrolling and damaging my own brain yesterday, I came across some jackass who mentioned something about how bars that use too much lemon and lime in their drinks on their menus aren’t thinking hard enough and he went on to say we should be using different products such as verjus, sherry, citric and malic acids, and Supasawa. Pretty interesting considering citric and malic acid are found in fresh lemons and limes and Supasawa has those two ingredients in it along with other souring agents.

Is he saying we should we just go back to using Rose’s?

Listen, I get it, but cocktails with fresh lemon and lime just taste better. When I see yet another person online making lime stock I want to puke. Don’t make me a daiquiri with that crap, just follow the Fibonacci Sequence of 2, 3, 5, 8 and you’ll be just fine. What? You didn’t know the golden ratio and its relative the Fibonacci Sequence relates perfectly to a daiquiri? Two parts syrup, three parts lime juice, five parts water, eight parts rum? It ain’t magic, it’s math, sucka.

It’s a formula, a solid set of rules, a ratio. Much like how a cake is 1:1:1:1 (fat, flour, eggs, sugar) and a cookie is 3:2:1 (flour, fat, sugar). Take any one of those away and you not only have something different, you have almost nothing at all.

Personally, I wouldn’t give lime stock to my worst enemy. Stop with it. Yes, sherry is fantastic, but stop whining about it. I’m sure he enjoys pastries with alternative flours and coffee with oat milk too. Use the gluten and milk, don’t give me some hippie shit that “sort of tastes the same.” I want my tummy nice and bloated and my joints to be inflamed the next day, thank you. I want the brain fog and the uncanny sense of having poisoned myself.

If I want a cocktail without lemon or lime I’ll order a Manhattan or Negroni. Lower ABV? I’ll taking a gin and tonic or an Americano. It’s that easy. I don’t want any of that weird bean juice in my whiskey sour, I don’t want a phony Negroni. If I want a non-alcoholic beverage, I’ll order a sparkling water.

This whole desire to make something taste like something else, a la, fake bacon, Beyond Meat, etc. is too odd for me. Why can’t fake shit just taste like itself? A watery, oily, several ingredient science experiment that should be served to only the worst types of inmates in order to slowly kill them. You want some vegan food that’s healthy? Eat beans and rice. It’s a complete protein and consists of two ingredients. Throw some miso paste and a little quinoa in there while you’re at it and you’ve got yourself an idea for the next potluck dinner at your dope smoking, funky smelling buddy’s house.

The dude who said this, I hope he’s an actual bartender and not some dipshit critic or writer. I hope he said it to troll a bit and garner some reactions, not because he was serious. Hearing shit like this annoys me. When people say bartenders and bar managers need to work harder in order to placate some jackass, I get triggered. He also mentioned something about milk punch…Well yeah, it’s done to death because it’s delicious, guests seem to really like it, and it’s easy to just pour it out onto a rock.

At any rate, my drink of choice before Thanksgiving dinner will probably be a rum old fashioned and I’ll be making it with damn good rum, sugar, and bitters.