Anyone else notice how popular egg nog was this year? Shit, every company, even goddam Eggo came out with a nog. It seemed to replace pumpkin spice during the 2023 holidays. Every bar manager with any sand has a nog, and probably a damn good one. It’s one of those things that’s pretty hard to fuck up, unless you’re not following the nog commandments. And yes, you’re lucky to have happened upon this blog today because I’ve written them for you.

1. Thou shalt allow your nog to rest for at least two weeks before serving
2. Thou shalt not serve vegan nog
3. Thou shalt use copious amounts of nutmeg
4. Thou shalt not flavor your nog
5. Thou shalt age your nog in the solera method from year to year
6. Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s nog
7. Thou shalt use top shelf spirits in your nog
8. Thou shalt not serve nog after Christmas
9. Thou shalt use rum in your nog
10. Thou shalt not put alternative dairy products in your nog

Nog in some form, like anise flavored liquors and liqueurs, seem to appear in nearly every drinking culture. Indeed, the egg yolk as well as the white was a big part of professional and home bartending for, well, forever. People were always fortifying something with eggs. Why not whisk together a big batch of egg, sugar, and milk/cream with a shitload of booze and let it sit? Before the days of refrigeration this would still be quite fine. People get a little squeamish when I tell them 20% of each year’s nog batch sits in the walk in for an entire year. Yeah, we don’t advertise that part of it. Don’t worry, no one has gotten sick. Anything around 5% alcohol or so will be enough to destroy bad bacteria and our nog is considerably stronger.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, dairy is the greatest component you can put in a drink. No, real dairy you ninny, not that watery jizz made from oats or tree branches you put in your coffee. I’m talking about the G.O.A.T., the shit from a cow’s udder. Dairy allergy? Too bad. Take a Lactaid or just annoy your companion(s) by ripping stinky farts all night. It’s worth it.

Ok, ok, coconut works too…In some cases…But realize it’s not the same, nor will it clarify completely, if that’s your thing, without a centrifuge…

Once you figure out how to cram any sort of real dairy product into a drink, you’ve now hit the next level. But I must warn you, it can also be a crutch because making anything taste good next to your calpico drink or milk punch will then be a challenge. Why oh why is this? Well, there’s sugar and fat in there which makes pretty near anything taste good. The body also releases a chemical that makes you feel good when your body starts to digest casein protein.

I’ve had a glass or two of milk at work to the horror of my co-workers. Drinking milk has this very odd connotation to some people. “Other animals don’t drink the milk of other animals.” Well, not entirely true. Ants milk aphids. Most animals lack the opposable thumbs to be able to milk other animals you idiots. Also, a lot of other animals just eat other animals, sometimes not fresh but the rotting carcasses. Some animals fly, some breathe water. We’re all a little different. Cats will drink any sort of milk if they’re allowed. Other animals don’t grow vegetables for food. Does that mean we should stop eating corn? “But insects eat corn.” Yeah, they also eat dung. Do you see animals making kimchi and other fermented foods? Does that mean I can’t have sauerkraut and mustard with my pork sausages? Yeah, animals don’t build houses either or stare at instagram for hours a day or make their own clothing or complain about the crimes of world while using said iPhone which was made by slaves in China. Ugh. How did this rant begin? Not sure…This was supposed to be about nog…

Nog season is over once Christmas is over. This year I timed it quite well. None left. Sorry everybody. You’re going to have to wait another year and frankly, nog shouldn’t be available all year round. Shit, I wonder what happens to all the nog in stores that isn’t sold. Do they dump it out or do they ship it off to other countries? Is there some dude or dudette drinking nog of the Huli Wigman tribe in Papua, New Guinea, quaffing expired nog in February?