If I had to define “camp” it would be something so bad, its good…But in a bad, eh, no, terrible sort of groaning way where you’re happy but annoyed at yourself for enjoying something so low brow with such horrendous…Well, everything…I hope that makes some sense to you as its one of those holy things you have to be sensitive to in order to “get” and it’s very hard to find the just right Goldilocks g-spot of any campy movie because most of the time it’s unintentional. Case in point: The original Road House. You had yourself some Swayze with a dash of Sam Elliot and a sprinkle of Kelly Lynch, a plot that made no sense but one liners throughout the movie that were truly spectacular and memorable. Such quips as “Pain don’t hurt,” and “Opinions vary,” along with gems like “Nobody ever wins a fight–You’re too stupid to have a good time–Calling me sir is like putting an elevator in an outhouse,” and the best of all “I used to fuck guys like you in prison,” really cinched it down in my top five action camp experiences along with Any Which Way But Loose, Kickboxer, Bloodsport, and of course, the numero uno, the heavyweight champion of all unintentional camp flicks, Face Off with Cage and Travolta.

In this 2024 remake of the 1989 classic, or “reimagining” as they’re touting it …

Sidebar: Ugh. “Reimagining.” As if Hollywood is reimagining anything at this point except how to sprinkle some resurrection powder and chant a poor man’s incantation on handful after handful of old, tired concepts…Almost everything today is either a remake or a sequel…Sidebar over…

…Jake Gyllenhaal stars as Elwood Dalton. There’s no relation specified toward Swayze’s 1989 version of Dalton mentioned here, although the rumor mill has specified that Gyllenhaal’s false tattoos in the movie are a homage to Swayze as the two worked alongside one another in the one hit cult classic wonder, Donnie Darko. At any rate, is the name Elwood perhaps another homage but to The Blues Brothers? Could be? Who knows? All that business aside, the timeline does check out. 1989 to now is 35 years and Gyllenhaal is around 40 years old or so I’d wager. That makes his character, if they had wanted it to be Dalton’s offspring, at least believable in that way but that’s where any believability ends because the movie is so downright corny (the wrong, actually horrible side of camp) that you can literally watch it with the sound off and still figure out what’s going on.

Uh, that’s exactly what I did. I was in the world’s tiniest hospital room “sleeping” on an ancient recliner between feeding, being interrupted at all hours by nurses, and snuggling my newborn baby daughter when I watched this on my laptop. It sort of goes: Smug guy comes to town, meets bad guys, beats them up…Wins in the end. Yeah, spoiler alert…

It’s hard to believe the original Road House is now 35 years old. But it’s easy to believe the new script is a lazy ultra shitty carbon copy of the Swayze version. Here’s the plot of both movies…Listen closely…Here’s the pitch! An impossibly tough guy is hired as a bouncer for a bar in order to stymie an outrageous amount of violence going on in said bar. Where are the cops you may ask? They’re being paid off by the small town gangsters who, for some stupid reason, want to own the dive when they could just buy their own bar somewhere else. Plothole alert: Maybe they should just use the money they’re paying the cops off with…Also, for some reason, these “gangsters” refuse to kill both versions of Dalton and instead want to use their inept hired hands who only go to battle with fisticuffs. Watching these movies I always think to myself that any real mafioso type would just walk up behind Dalton and shoot him in the back of the head when he’s not looking but, this is Hollywood, where the villains always gloat instead of killing the hero outright, even when they have them tied up in a chair (thinking of Casino Royale right now for some reason). Yes, Hollywood villains, unless the director is Scorsese, are the biggest bunch of overpaid, incompetent morons you’ve ever seen. You’ve really got to suspend disbelief for something like this which is why the “reimagining” is much worse than the original simply because it actually tries to take itself seriously at times. Yes, Jake Gyllenhaal is an accomplished actor, but this role for him, although performed well, is a bit odd. I think he just wanted to get paid while showing off his chiseled physique.

Speaking of physiques, the MMA fighter Conor Mcgregor is in this, playing the role of the unkillable foible to Dalton who refuses to actually kill the good guy with a gun. He’s pretty good at being an asshole, but this is no stretch if you’ve followed his career…

Anyway, the problem with a remake like this is you just can’t replace someone as talented or charismatic as Patrick Swayze. Goddamit the guy really had the knack for playing a ridiculous role as straight as possible and looking the better while doing it. Few others have been able to pull this off. For other references go rewatch Dirty Dancing and Point Break. Gyllenhaal on the other hand, to me, just seems to exude creepiness. I have no idea why but he seems one step away from a serial killer. No offense to him, he’s probably a nice guy in real life but I can’t shrug off the feeling I wouldn’t want to be stranded on a desert island with him. Yes, it would certainly be a matter of who is eating who first. What does that make me?Anyway, I think maybe he had an identity crisis after the success of Brokeback Mountain and wanted to prove something to the world which is why he turned to mostly violent, dark, brooding roles after the movie came out. A little suspect no?

All of this said…There are a few decent moments where Gyllenhaal winks at the audience a bit and sasses back at the tiredness of the genre but those moments are fleeting when you consider the entire movie is just a reprint down to even sordid details like the bad guys setting fire to the local mom and pop store that befriends Dalton or the local doctor falling in love with him. Eh, oh well. All of this shit talking aside, for some reason I was still interested in seeing this and watched it all the way through.

I mean, Gyllenhaal is in there for his star power. I get that. There had to be some sort of name recognition which is why they called this a reanimation blah, blah, but I wish they had consulted someone like myself first. The problem is, they should have used the name brand to make something outstanding instead of the same old tired shit from a prolapsed anus which abounded in the 80s and 90s. This is a movie you don’t have to watch to know what happens. Following? Could we have perhaps turned this genre on it’s head and I don’t know, helped it to either make fun of itself or just gone a different direction entirely? Like what if the new Dalton was the son of the old Dalton but now a villain on the other side and he’s against a new version of his father? I don’t know. I’m throwing shit at the wall here but you know what I mean. I’m not angry, I’m just annoyed. This could have been something different and yes, the original is a million times better. Swayze would kick Gyllenhaal’s candy ass, take his lunch money, and not call his sister the next day after taking her out for a steak dinner.