No, not Lawrence Welk, you ninny. Whelk, as in 1 part whey and 1 part condensed milk. Our kitchen makes a lot of fresh cheese so we’ve always got plenty of whey hanging around and waiting for something to happen. The other part of the equation, condensed milk really needs no introduction. It’s a gift from the gods it is. What is it though? It’s just milk (yum) with no water and a fuck ton of sugar making it sort of unbreakable. Yeah, that means go ahead and shake it up with citrus. A bit of a game changer if you ask me. And if you ask me again, I’ll talk about how adding dairy to a cocktail is just next level. It’s why when you were at T.G.I.Fridays with your parents as a kid and you took a sip of their mudslide and fell into a spell of giggles and satiety. It’s why chefs put butter in everything and it’s why vegan desserts tastes like ass for the most part. Or maybe it’s why vegans are so disgruntled all the time, just give them some damn cheese already.

But, but, I had this really great vegan gluten free cookie the other day…Did you? Or did you convince yourself it was just decent? The mind is powerful.

If you don’t have access to whey like I do, you can still make it at home. I’m here for you. I have in my clutches the Koji Kid’s ultra super secret whey recipe:

1 Gallon Milk

1 Quart Buttermilk

1 Pint Cream

1/4 Cup Kosher Salt

To the average boob this may be whey too much. Ha. If so, simply cut in into fourths like so:

1 Quart Milk

1 Cup Buttermilk

4 Ounces Cream

4 Tablespoons Kosher Salt

Ah yes, the American measurement system. Live it, breathe it, bask in it’s glory.

Put all this in a pot and heat it gently. This will burn if left unattended which in some cases can be a good thing but not in this instance. Once it’s hot, add a couple of ounces of lemon juice, turn the heat off and let it cool. In a half hour or so you’ll see it break into whey and curds. Got it, Miss Muffet? You’ll have to pass it through a chinois lined with a couple layers of cheesecloth into a suitable vessel. I hope you’re up for this. Save the curds for a salad or lasagna if you wish. It’s basically a nice, tangy ricotta.

Wait for the whey to cool and add your condensed milk. Stir well and sally forth. This is ethereal with peaches, rum, and some fresh lime juice. Just go.

This one’s pretty easy folks. 1 part whey, 1 part condensed milk.