Listen, I judge no human being on their drink order. I really could care less if someone wants to quaff vodka sodas all night and experience no flavor or zest in their own life but there are two substitutions that drive me absolutely batty. And yes, yes, I know that technically everything is vodka…Whiskey is just corn vodka thrown into a barrel. Ok, ok. Tequila is just agave vodka. So on and so forth. But the point here is that vodka is and should be somewhat flavorless and by replacing another spirit with it, you have now begun the very process of emptying the contents of what is left of your soul into who knows where. An every growing vat of sadness and mediocrity that will be shackled to you for the rest of your boring life until the burden becomes too much and you are eventually dragged down into the cold pits of hell by its weight?

Yes, the more funky potato vodkas which are actually pretty tasty have some nuances but nothing like a good gin or decent blended scotch and these are the two I’m focusing most on in this slight rant here at 5 a.m. on Monday morning, 8/12/2024.

There exist two substitutions, both with vodka, that ruffle my tailfeathers.

The Vodka Negroni. A woman ordered this directly from me the other night and watched as I unconsciously writhed. “Is that ok?” she asked. “Not a big fan of gin.” “But it says wonderful things about you,” I said. “Pardon?” “Oh, nothing. No, it’s fine, you should drink whatever you want, but I think you’re really missing out on one of the greats.” “Gin does weird things to me.” I looked her over and thought to myself that the gin might have the power to change her life should she just embrace it. “Well,” I said, “gin is just vodka with a few herbs in it. I should make you a proper Negroni and if you dislike it then I can make you a vodka Negroni.” “Just make me a vodka one,” she said. “Ok, but just so you know, each time you order a vodka Negroni, a middle aged Italian ceases to live with his mother and stops gesticulating with his hands while talking.” “Maybe thats a good thing?” “Yes, maybe you’re right.” We shared a laugh and as I poured the vodka into my jigger and then into my fine crystal Japanese beaker and then poured Campari and Carpano on top, yada, yada, I thought to myself why I should give a shit at all? I mean, vodka outselling every other spirit on a Saturday night is normal. It certainly contributes to my insanely low booze cogs. Every vodka soda and vodka martini sold helps the restaurant stay in business.

And hey, I tried. Sigh. Like I said, I could care less if someone orders a pour of our finest mezcal and wants a raw egg cracked over the top with a Falernum float. There have been some really weird ones over the years but the vodka Negroni feels like an abomination against nature. It could be possible that I feel directly insulted or maybe it just leads me to believe the world is in fact not a good place and everything is going down the shitter. Yes, I gather all of this from a stupid drink order. Relax dude, just make the lady her damn drink and continue on. Bartenders have to deal with this shit all the time. Yes, the voice of reason…But listen to me for a second now…You come up with some great cocktail and some jerk off asks the waiter to switch out the infused blah blah blah with vodka and the drink you created is no longer the drink, it has become something else entirely. A doppelgänger, a fake, a fugazi, a pale reflection of society and the populations penchant for ruining all that is good in this world. The human being who, for some unknown reason, is the only animal on the planet who wants to destroy everything around itself–the environment, the atmosphere, even our social norms–and watch the world burn. Shit, each time I throw another spent bottle into the recycling bin I think this thought. I read some article saying 96% of recycling goes into the landfill, yes, the article could have been some manufactured crap, I mean, we have no idea what is real anymore do we? Our phones give us all the information we need to propel ourselves and our opinions through life while whomever is holding the strings rakes in the profits while cackling like a cheesy super villain.

Ugh. It could be that during our forced California break that day I looked over and saw five, count them, five employees all sitting at a table and gazing into their phones instead of chatting with one another and the doom and gloom of it all appeared like the proverbial thundercloud over my head. But I thought, hey I do it too sometimes. I take a break and look at my phone instead of getting to know the person next to me. I also thought about the times I worked in restaurants before smart phones absorbed our lives into their cold, corporate embrace. A time when we would all sit around and bust each others balls or just talk about whatever the hell crazy shit we saw while taking the New York Subway. A better time? I cannot know. I do know the world has changed profoundly in the last five years since instagram has swelled and become something so firmly ingrained within most of our lives to such a point that spending a few hours on it wasting your time doom scrolling, instead of talking to another person or reading a book is quite normal. I mean, I see people on their phones watching videos while driving on the freeway. People walking down the street and looking at their phones instead of where they are going and I wonder what the hell is next. What horrors will befall my son and daughter? Jeez dude, relax. No. Something crazy is going on and while we are fully aware of it we also have no power to stop it. Social media does have positive qualities. This is true. As a business or someone intent on furthering their career in most areas you have to be a part of it now but it feels more watered down and plain unavoidable than ever. Each time I post something on a story I wonder what the hell has happened to the old ways and is this something that will eventually just go away or are we stuck with it and all its foibles forever?

The Vodka Penicillin. “There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, it would be a shame to damage yours.” This line from William Goldmans (my apostrophe button is officially down for the count, I now copy and paste if I have the time and desire but it is quite freeing to not use the apostrophe almost like Cormac McCarthy or someone of that caliber) The Princess Bride goes through my head each time the dreaded vodka Penicillin rears its ugly head. Its an out of body experience watching my hands pour the ingredients and someday I would love to go to that persons table and tell them no or beg them to just try the damn drink the way nature intended. I mean, there really are few perfect things in this world and a Penicillin cocktail is one of them.

Created by a dude named Sam Ross at the famed and now defunct Milk and Honey bar in New York City. The Penicillin arrived in the early 2000s when the cocktail scene came alive again, when drinks became less sweet and more delicious and people started giving a shit again and yes, in those times there were cellphones and smartphones but no social media existed. Shit, I remember that the subways had no cellphone service and how refreshing it was that you didn’t have to listen to someones conversation while down there. Yes, there were still some kinks to iron out back then. People would just walk around having full blown conversations while in public. I remember my server colleagues and myself smugly refusing to serve people unless they got off their phones. A petty revenge for being at the whim of truly horrific patrons at the insanely busy restaurant where I worked. Rude versus rude. So, yes, there were still some annoying bits about the advent of new technology even then. Nothing like today of course. No one is actually rude, they’re just out of touch and groggy. Why am I so tired they ask? Because you’re no longer part of the world you fool. The crap you see on your phone is powered by an algorithm that is supplying more and more and more of the same garbage to your brain and hey, like I mentioned, I have the same problem. I receive a text message and then all of a sudden there I am inside the instagram again and looking at some inconsequential bullshit usually pertaining to some pertinent subject in my life (yes the phone is listening to you) or just inane crap (some fine looking woman on vacation) that has no bearing on my life whatsoever.

How did this go into another rant about social media? I have no clue. Its possible self flagellation combined with my own ADHD OCD paranoia about what is going on and where its all going. How does this have anything to do with some poor schlub asking to put vodka in a classic cocktail and thereby dooming them to the hell of mediocrity? Ah, but that is where we pinpoint it no? Because the vodka switcheroo is the basis of mediocrity and that is what I am trying to escape. When someone does this they are saying to themselves this sounds good but I want a little less flavor but what they have no concept of is that they are dooming their very soul to a life of lack of experimentation and that by just plain trying out something new, something interesting, may actually lift their experience a bit and may also elevate my own silly ass wanna be people pleasing self. Yes, there is a bit of a warm light that turns on inside me when I see a person trying one of our very well made Penicillins. A switch goes off in their brain, they smile, they say oh my god this is so delicious and in turn, that warms my cold, cynical heart just a wee bit and yes, the world, in the microcosm of the bar is a better place. No, it really is because someone just experienced something they have never experienced before. A flavor combo that just rocks them, makes them possibly more curious to try something else in the future. The feeling they encounter is a wave and it floods forth from them to me and all it takes is a little thing called trust. Yes, giveth to your Friendly Neighborhood Aging Bartender your faith and I will giveth unto you mouth pleasure in the form of a quaffable drug which when doled out in the correct, responsible amounts can help to change your mood, even your demeanor for a time, take you away from the stress of your job, life, kids, whatever, and for that single moment transport you to a place of relaxation before having to be jettisoned back into the hungry maw of capitalist society the next morning. I am a trained assassin and if you come along for the ride, you will be rewarded but if you do the vodka switcheroo on me we just cannot be friends. I am truly sorry.

This is my church and this is my sermon.

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