This could be a book in and of itself, but since I have a couple of grievances to air and Festivus approaches, I figure it’s as good a time as any to let some steam off. Restaurant bartending, as described long ago in the PDT cocktail book, is much the same as being a short order cook except that you’re expected to make nearly anything that people as for. Case in point, last night some jackass asked for an amaretto sour. Sorry, pal, no Disarrono here. If you knew how that shit was made, you wouldn’t drink it. It’s basically a bunch of artificial crap with some booze in it. I mean, I guess a lot of my favorites are now like that and I’m sure there’s some cool alternative amaretto out there made by some hippie up in Northern California, but I’m still not keeping it on my backbar out of principle because somewhere you have to draw a fucking line in the sand.

This segues right into the whole point of this blog post: Which should maybe have been titled Stop Ordering Random Old Shit Like Whiskey Sours and Mojitos. Yes, somewhere in the early 2000s during the American craft cocktail boom some jerk put an egg white in the whiskey sour and everyone followed suit. Last year I did a three part deep dive on the entrance of egg whites into the whiskey sour, check them out here: Part One, Part Two, Part Three. Let’s just say that most people get it wrong. It all boils down to: A sour does not mean egg white.

Anyway, the whiskey sour takes hold like wildfire in a restaurant. As soon as people see it there’s the big ooh and ah factor and then more people order one and before you know it, you’re deep in the shits. Think about this before you go somewhere to order one. Also, there are few places that will actually be able to make you a good one. It isn’t something you’re going to order at a dive bar, or a club, or at a wedding, no, no, no. It’ll be only at a good restaurant bar or at a craft cocktail type of establishment.

So, for those who want it, here it is:

Whiskey Sour

2 oz. Bonded Bourbon

.75 oz. Fresh Lemon Juice

.5 oz. Rich Honey Syrup

White of One Egg

I prefer the reverse dry shake, that is, shaking with ice first, then dry shaking. Why? Because when I pour the drink into the chilled large coupe I can do so from large tin into tea strainer with no Hawthorne. Maybe I’ll put up a video of what I’m speaking about. I also shake with a BFR and a couple of small rocks for added froth power.

Garnish is Peychaud’s over the top in whatever manner you choose. I use the O”Donnell/Pollack method, no toothpicks necessary. vayu

Back in the day we had a whiskey sour on the classics side of the menu. Yes, back in the day my shoulders and elbows were healthy enough to absorb this sort of punishment.

My new thing is this: On a busy ass night, your whiskey sour ticket goes to the end of the line. Sorry sucka. Here’s why: #1: The obvious amount of extra shaking. I’m old with young children and so, so tired. #2: The shaking tins have to be washed extra special so as not to get the damn egg white everywhere. It’s a messy endeavor. In other words, pretty please, with sugar on top, stop ordering egg white cocktails on a fucking busy night.

Here’s the move. Come in on a slower night, like a Monday when Angel is working, and order as many whiskey sours as your cold, cruel heart desires. If you see an old, disgruntled barman back there with a beard and sleep dep bags under his eyes then fuck off down to the Chesnut Club on 14th.

While I’m at it, let’s have a go at the other annoying kid on the block that deserves bullying, the mojito. If you order one of these in a restaurant, you’re telling the world, “Hey, I’m old and partied in the early 2000s and want to relive those moments while I drink this watered down daiquiri, oh, and I’m also an asshole.” Ok, ok, the mojito is pretty delicious, but just like the whiskey sour it contains ingredients I have to go grab from the walk-in, and engage in what is otherwise known as the bartender-in-the-weeds-frantic-dash-and-search-and-snatch. And, just like the whiskey sour, there is cleaning involved. The mint gets everywhere and a fleck of it will probably end up in someone’s drink later that night despite any meticulous cleaning of tins. Also, there will be the inevitable question from either a patron or waiter once the drink is finished, “Where is the mint?” I double strained it out, jerk wad, for your drinking pleasure and now there’s freckles of mint I have to clean out of my Hawthorne and my tea strainer. I know, I know, somewhere, someone is playing the world’s smallest violin just for me, a little number entitled “This is your job, you whiner, but my retort is that you don’t go into a restaurant and order a food item that is off the menu now do you?

“Yes, I’ll have the bouillabaisse please.””’

“We don’t have bouillabaisse.”

”Then I’ll have the roast leg of lamb.”

”We don’t have that either.”

“Then I’ll have the whiskey sour.”

“Right away, sir.”

While we’re chopping away here, I may as well delve into a pet peeve of mine and that is the Manhattan, or any stirred drink served classically ”up” but asked for on the rocks or even on a BFR. Now, I’m not one to scoff at another’s drink order. Have as many tasteless vodka sodas as you want, they’re good, no, great, for my cogs but I feel that your Manhattan will get watery and tasteless after being on the rocks too long. Maybe you should order a different sort of drink? The Manhattan is stirred and thus is already diluted with water, putting on shitty small rocks will add dilution and spoil the drink and yes I do account for this when I prepare the drink but the Manhattan is one of those classics that demands to be drunk the way nature intended. The reason being that it is very cold when it reaches you and eventually starts to warm up as it sits on the table so the flavor changes gradually. It’s a wonderful thing. But if it sits and dilutes over the course of ten minutes then the added water is going to make it taste, well, worse. In fact, I think most drinks should just be served up for this reason. A cocktail isn’t long for this world. It shouldn’t take you longer than three minutes to drink a cocktail. Nurse your wine, calmly drink your beer whil its’ cold and pound your cocktails while they are still poundable. No, you’re not going to get buzzed any faster drinking in a minute versus a half hour. You’re still pouring the same amount down your trap. You’ll get more drunk if you have more cocktails in a shorter time span, yes, but if you stick to one or two while at dinner with friends over the course of a couple of hours you will be just fine.

Anyway…Happy Thanksgiving…

Your AI generated image for this post, #412, 11/28/24