Welcome weekend warriors. Strap in. You are about to experience a few mediocre paragraphs of free advice pertaining to your home bar program. Yeah. Almost no one is a professional bartender, so why should I expect any jackass that comes in to know the difference between rye and bourbon? I have just a sprinkle of experience when it comes to working under the harsh, mind numbing fluorescent lights of an office (read about it here), and you have no clue when it comes to what I do which is a big part of why I have a job in the first place. You come to see me for a decent cocktail instead of floundering around at home. I see you for…Well…Nothing…

I now present you with the Eight Bottle Bar. For under $200 you can set yourself up with a small amount of liquor to give yourself a wide spectrum of classic cocktails. Yes, there will be things you think will be missing from this list It’s only eight bottles, not nine, or more. Relax. Read on.

White Rum. Numero uno on the list because rum is the best. More on that some other time. Daiquiris. Enough said. Right here I’d go with Plantation 3 Star or Flor de Caña Four Year. It’s not necessary to go whole hog and splurge on an aged or fancy rum…Yet. Be still young grasshopper. On occasion you’ll want to relive the 90s and have a Mojito. Oh, if you’re one of those morons who thinks “rum is too sweet for my taste” then please go away and stop reading.

Bonded Rye Whiskey. You’ll need a whiskey and I’m choosing rye over bourbon. What does bonded mean? Sigh. It’s not that big of a deal but it is a mark of total quality. Most of the time you’ll find a bonded whiskey at a good price as well because no one knows what it means. Buy one and be cool. Bonded simply means it has been aged for a minimum of four years, is bottle at 100 proof, and comes from a single season of grain. It comes from an actual law drafted in 1897 to help distinguish good from bad. Yes, on occasion the government does something good for us. Go with Rittenhouse or Overholt. If you’re in a pinch Old Grand Dad is the shit (yes, dummy I know it’s bourbon but it’s got a high rye content, I did say in a pinch). You’ll need this for manhattans, highballs, old fashioneds, and when some asshole wants a gold rush or whiskey sour.

Tequila. Duh. On hot summer days you’ll want a margarita. Tequila is tricky because the cheap shit isn’t actually tequila. Nope. The Cuervo and Sauzas of the world are just well marketed Draino. Yes, they are 51% agave which technically mean they are tequila but you want 100% agave. Trust me. It may be 51% tequila but the other 49% is a goddam mystery. Gross. Next, take a look at the label. A good tequila will have two more noteworthy elements. First: The Consejo Regulador de Tequila or CRT. It’s a designation by a Mexican non-profit corporation designating a high standard in distillation. Second, you’ll see this: NOM followed by a four digit number. This is the distiller’s registration number. Shit tequila has neither of these. This will be the priciest entry into your eight bottle bar. There’s a lot of tequila out there. My lord. Just promise not to buy something too cheap and whatever you do, don’t buy any goddam Casamigos.

London Dry Gin. Where would the world be without gin and tonics, Negronis, and the ever underrated Martinez? I’ll tell you, a worse place. Gin is basically just vodka with herbs infused into it but say that to a gin aficionado and they’ll turn their nose up at you while exuding that strange odor that only gin heads can (the juniper does something weird to our physiognomy). There’s about ten million gins out there to choose from. Most are pretty cheap. Most are mass produced because it’s easy (ish) to make, can be made anywhere, don’t require aging, or have standards like whiskey and tequila. There are different types of gin, I won’t get into it all here and there’s plenty of other places that can tell you about all of them. Ford’s is a good gin to hammer nails with but as long as you spend over $25, you’ll be fine.

Orange Liquor of some sort. Welcome to the liqueur section. Lots of orange out there: triple sec, Cointreau, Grand Marnier, curaçao, Clement shrubb, the list goes on. You’re basically looking for something sweet and orange flavored so you can make margaritas. Everyone is going to have their favorite. If you need guidance I would advise Cointreau but I prefer a nice dry curaçao like the one offered by Brovo which is a cool small batch with no crap in it from up in Washington.

Sweet Vermouth. Sort of a tough moniker for the masses who are always shunning products they label as “too sweet.” A good sweet vermouth is barely sweet and is distinctive in the delicious types of herbal and spicy “notes” it provides. Yes, you can be a massive snob and drink vermouth by itself with rocks or even an orange peel. I won’t judge you but your friends and family probably will until they give it a try themselves. The standard sweet vermouth is Carpano Antica which is outrageously expensive but oh so delicious. A great secondary mass market sweet vermouth is Cocchi Vermouth de Torino but you may be hard pressed to buy it at BevMo or your local Whole Foods. Oh, and put it in the fridge after you open it for Christ’s sake.

Dry Vermouth. Vermouth gets a bad rap and I’ll tell you exactly why. It’s because your parents (or foster parents) had those two disgusting, cheap bottles of Martini and Rossi (sweet and dry respectively) in their liquor cabinet and when you were a rebellious teenager you went in there and tried them. Gross right? It’s because those bottles had probably sat there for decades. Yes, you’re supposed to refrigerate your vermouth. It’s an aromatized, fortified wine and it does go off if not taken care of. Just listen. You won’t use dry vermouth for much, except for gin martinis and that’s enough. Most of it is dirt cheap. Go with Dolin Dry.

Bitter Aperitif. The market is now flooded with bitter aperitivi. That’s a great thing but it’s hard to choose one from the other. Campari is the standard. It’s one of the most bitter and gives off that discernible and ultra cool red color in your Negroni. But do we know what gives it that color? Well, it used to be organic and very creepy, from the exoskeleton of the Cochineal Beetle. Yeah, you read that right. Nowadays it’s definitely a food coloring agent which is a big no no and to me, is what gives Campari a strange aftertaste. My preference is St. George Distillery’s Brovo Americano. Yum. But there’s so many out there now. Many American cities with small distilleries now have their own versions which are mostly fantastic but I sure haven’t tried them all. A close second for me is the D.C. based Don Ciccio e Figli’s Luna Apertivo. I do prefer small batch which usually means a higher quality and less additives.

So here we go. From these eight bottles we can make ourselves most of the delicious classics we’ve all come to know and love. Of course this is not an exhaustive list. If you prefer mezcal over tequila then by all means go for it. This is a guide and not written in stone. Oh? You noticed the absence of vodka? Everything is vodka, act accordingly.