Oh the kumquat. Bearer of too many bad, lurid jokes. Here today, gone tomorrow. Most people, believe it or not, don’t even know what the hell one is. On top of all these bad traits, they’re one hell of a bite in the ass to prep. Anything small with lots of seeds will be that way. Instead of having to go through, let’s say three or four large things with lots of seeds like a cherimoya, you’ve got to pick through hundreds of these little suckers. Like most struggles, it’s a labor of love because at the end of it all you’ve got a great product.

Kumquats are unique in the citrus and fruit world for many reasons. One, they’re bite sized. You can put a bunch in your pocket, walk around, and snack on them without making a mess. Yeah, huuuuuuge bonus. Try doing that with any other fruit. I love berries but putting them in my pocket would be foolhardy. Mangos? My favorite fruit of all time but very difficult to eat on the go without a knife, cutting board, and access to a sink for hand washing. Apples are pretty great but sometimes require napkins after eating and aren’t so pocket friendly. Same goes for bananas. Transportable, yes, but not so pocket friendly especially if you don’t want to look like a pervert (hey, I go to a lot of children’s parks, I have to think about these things).

The other great quality about a kumquat, which is part of their transportableness, is the flavor. Sweet and sour simultaneously, bu also because you eat them whole they give you the whole weird tangy-numby oil sensation without the crazy bitterness of citrus pith. Yes, go ahead and eat an orange or grapefruit whole and tell me how that works out for you. Sounds like torture.

Anyway, what do we do with the damn things in the cocktail world? Well, you could ulp, muddle (oosh don’t say the M word). Or you could make marmalade or syrup which is normally what we do. Or, you could just allow time to take…uh…its time…

Yeah, try this. Quarter your kumquats and deseed them as you go. Weigh them and add an equal amount of sugar. For example, 500 grams quats, 500 grams sugar. Add the whole thing to a jar of suitable size and throw in a vanilla bean. Oh wait, remember to split your bean gently down the middle, drag the back of your blade down the center to remove all the vanilla bean goodness and scrape it off into the jar. Throw the remaining husk of the bean in there too. That’s all. Please tell me you know how to do this.

The result is a big pile of kumquats and sugar as the above picture demonstrates (pictured: 2400 grams total and four vanilla beans). Allow this to sit for a couple of days. The sugar will leech all the liquid out of the quats and you end up with an absolutely delicious little syrup. It’ll even get a little bubbly from minor fermentation beginning to happen. Let it go too long and it may even get a little boozy. This will happen quicker with organic fruit, as anything sprayed with pesticides will have less natural yeast on the skins.

Once it’s all fairly incorporated, just strain it off with whatever you have available. We use a chinois. There’ll be a good amount of kumquat quarters leftover. You can reuse these for jam if you so choose. We dehydrate them for future use (that means we have no idea what to do with them but don’t want to throw them out). There may be a tad of undissolved sugar leftover. You can lightly heat the syrup at 180 degrees Fahrenheit for about five minutes to dissolve it.

The kumquat/vanilla syrup is ethereal. One of the best. Great with pretty much any type of booze but especially rum. Also delicious for use as a homemade soda if you’re drying out. And hey, if the syrup starts getting a little long in the tooth (over three weeks), you can add 25% by weight (4:1 ration syrup to vinegar) your choice of vinegar and turn it into a shrub for mega extension of shelf life.