Frederick Nietzsche said (I’m paraphrasing major philosophical ideas here) names are all that are real. Once you call a table a chair, it is no longer a table, it is a chair and vice versa. The very act of naming, transforms metaphors into concepts, and if shared within a community, creates the possibility of communication. In this theory, names act as labels that fix meaning into concepts.

The ancient Egyptians too held the belief that if you knew a person’s name, you had total power over them. To cast off an evil spirit, all you had to do was write its name down on a piece of paper, put the paper into a clay pot, then break the pot. Shit, if only it were that easy.

Throughout history and especially in religion, naming gave power (think of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden being given the power to name and dominate everything). In the bartending world, however, it can be a massive pain in the ass, harder than it seems and looks. But, cocktails need names.

Why? It’s a real easy explanation, actually. You could yell to a bartender, “Make me one of those stirred whiskey and vermouth drinks with the bitters and preserved cherry served up!” Or, when they look at you and say “What’ll it be, Bub?” You could just say, “Manhattan!” Ah, yes, this is why cocktails have names. Back in the day, in simpler times, each cocktail had a number of variations that matched up with the booze you had a hankering for. For instance, anything with lemon or lime juice was a sour (no egg white, that’s a flip dumbass). So, when asked what it was you wanted to drink, you’d reply whiskey sour, gin sour, etc. Or, if you wanted mint added to it, it became a smash. Whiskey smash, gin smash, etc. Or egg, whiskey flip, gin flip. And so on.

It ended up evolving into simple names, especially when certain combinations just made sense. Manhattan (rye, bitters, sweet vermouth). Old Fashioned (sugar and bourbon). Gimlet (gin sour with lime). Daiquiri (yummy rum sour with lime). Etc.

Remember, being a bartender is basically like being a short order cook without the flat grill and bacon (well sometimes) with the big exception that people can and will order almost any drink that comes to mind and expect you to make it for them. In the culinary world, this is totally unique. Imagine walking into a restaurant and asking for some other chef’s dish. They’d tell you to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. But it’s common for bartenders to be asked to make a cocktail from some joint down the street. Part of it is that a cocktail takes very little time to make. Usually under four minutes if you’re not a trained sloth. But most restaurants have eggs and bread so why is it not ok to go to a place and ask for two eggs over easy but it’s fine to ask a bartender for an off menu item or a some jerk’s crappy drink from a place around the corner?

It just is what it is. Society deems what is acceptable. Any good bar will and should be able to make almost whatever a patron asks, especially the classics. Also, it would be business suicide to open a place and tell people they couldn’t have well vodka martinis (best COGS in the business).

So, when you scratch your head (as I often do) at all the stupid cocktail names when you see the drink list at a restaurant, realize they exist in order to make your life easier. The less words, the better.

I did try once to just list the ingredients as the name of the drink. Bad idea. Peach Whiskey Ginger Smash didn’t sell nearly as well as Mule Variations. That’s the other trick to naming cocktails, the right name will sell more. Yes, we’re dumber than we think.