How is it I can roll my eyes at one stupid garnish but love another? Such is the magnificent duality of life, my friends. For instance, I see anything with a clothespin on it and I’m walking out without paying but if I order a bloody Mary or bloody Caesar there better be some sort of ridiculous accoutrement like a whole fried chicken or at the least, a small delicious taco (here’s looking at you, Jonah’s in Santa Monica).

It all depends on the type of place you’re visiting. Whoever is in charge behind the bar should be aware of this. The garnish in the drink tells you what type of place you’re in. Which setting is the fun dial on? Subdued or cranked up all the way? Am I eating some boring, overpriced dinner that costs more than my monthly car payment? Or am I in a noisy environment with an overabundance of sloshed guests? In some cases the garnish can also signify how much you’re spending on dinner. Think of Manzke or Vespertine. In places like this, an extravagant garnish or presentation is in place to justify the exorbitant price. It gives an ooh ah factor even though you’re getting ripped off.

Manzke’s “Jalepeño,” mint, lime, cucumber, blanco tequila drink for $30 which sounds suspiciously like our Marjie we offer for $17. Just saying. Jealous? Maybe.

A Vespertine concoction with a beautiful but obstructing passionfruit blossom. I would be wracked with anxiety about where to put the damn garnish so I could drink this. They should offer a small side plate with this.

As an aside, although I would probably have the dinner of my life in a place where everyone serving me is dressed in suits and speaking to me with their hands tied behind their backs like they’ve just been cuffed and stuffed, but just thinking about them makes my skin crawl because I conjure images about having to work in a place like that. Yeah, living hell. Hey, I’m just more comfortable in a dive bar where the bartender is half drunk in a stained t shirt and free pouring.

The garnish should make sense, not be in the way of enjoying the drink, and make it more pleasing to the eye. In some cases, it should even be a delicious bonus that makes no sense, like the cherry in a Manhattan or the olives in a martini. For instance, we’ve been putting pickles in drinks for the last year or so, but the pickle is the seasonal ingredient featured in the cocktail.

Let’s try to get to the point here. The garnish is and always will be part of the presentation. Love ’em or hate ’em, cocktail garnishes are a necessary evil serving three purposes. 1. Aesthetic. 2. Recognition. 3. Added flavor (sometimes).

Aesthetic. You drink or eat something with your eyes first. Yada, yada. Yes, a garnish does make a drink more pleasing to the eye, and the more dressed up it is, the more it also justifies the price. A garnish also has the power to make a shitty drink taste better.

Recognition. Servers are so dumb and clueless, the drinks necessitate some way to be identified. Even then, they screw it up sometimes.

Added flavor. Yes! Rims, rims, and more rims! I’d put one on every drink if it wasn’t such a pain in the neck. Pickles aplenty, too. I think the garnish should be edible or at least incorporated in some part of the drink itself but this is just, like, my opinion, man.