A little history here if you didn’t rot your brain reading Mad magazine when you were a kid. Al Jaffee. Nuff said. He was the dude who wrote and drew Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions and he also did the Mad foldovers on the back inside cover page. He died at the age of 102 this year in April. At any rate, in his honor I’m doing a little bartender version in celebration of his work.

I read Mad my whole life as a kid. From the newspaper version all the way until it started getting glossy. I had a huge collection of tattered copies I got rid of when I moved from Boston and I’m rather annoyed I did. I think I gave them to Sean but he may have launched them. It certainly shaped my bizarre sense of humor growing up. There were other influences, of course, but Mad kept it clean while also keeping it intelligent and highly adult. They spoofed everything related to pop culture and the artists were top notch–Don Martin, Mort Drucker, Sergio Aragones, Duck Edwig, many others who produced so many classics in there. Spy Vs. Spy, The Lighter Side, Scenes We’d Like to See, and of course, Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.

So, let’s go.

“What’s your favorite drink to make?”

“I’ve got this great new one called ‘Annoying Questions Idiots Ask’ would you like to try?”

“A combination of none and nothing.”

“One does not make a drink. The drink exists already. I merely place the ingredients back in their respective order.”

“How long has the restaurant been here?”

“How the hell am I supposed to know?”

“I’m a bartender, Jim, not a Santa Monica historian.”

“I’m not sure, do me a favor and go check the bum urine soaked cornerstone outside.

“How long have you worked here?”

“Don’t ask, I’m about to keel over.”

“27 hours, I forgot to punch out last night.”

“I don’t actually work here, I snuck in and no one noticed.”

“What brought you to Los Angeles?”

“A car.”

“I think it was a combination of the smog, homeless, and insanely high cost of living.”

“I’m in Los Angeles? Holy shit, I gotta go!”

“Is the chicken good?”

“Yes, it was raised in a household with a father and mother who were both emotionally intelligent.”

“No, it’s chaotic neutral evil.”

“It was before its head was chopped off and it was cooked and put on a plate for your enjoyment.”

“Can I have a bar napkin?”

“Yes, but only if you put your gum in it and leave it on the bar instead of going to the bathroom and putting your gum in the trash like a considerate person.”

“Of course, but did you know every time you use one a tree screams?”

“Here, take the whole stack.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a drink, what else would it be, numbnuts?”

“I call it, ‘Something I Need to Make You More Tolerable but Can’t Have Right at This Moment.’”

“I’ll give you one guess, but if you’re wrong I get to chop your pinky off with this incredibly dull bar knife.”

“Are my drinks coming up soon?”

“Yes, but definitely keep walking over and looking at the ticket, that’ll help me.”

“I’m not sure how much your guests have been drinking.”

“I think they qualify for a promotion next month.”