I ask the real questions here: Would ranch work as a cocktail? Let’s talk. We know the main ingredients are buttermilk, sour cream, and mayo, then garlic, dill, parsley, and some salt and pepper. Hmm. You could first analyze it into all its ingredients. There are some dill cocktails out there. There is dill in some gins. It’s not completely undoable. The sour cream and buttermilk could be broken. The mayo/aioli constituent could be an egg or egg white for a flip. The only truly weird part would be the garlic which is going to dominate almost anything it comes in contact with but even that could be added as black garlic. Shit, I don’t know if black garlic and dill gin is a good look. Sounds nasty.

Yeah, dude, I’ll drink ranch right in front of you, right out of the little plastic take out ramekin with no shame whatsoever, just a grin on my face, a look of sheer ecstasy, and the clinging flavor on the hairs of my mustache that will linger for hours. I did it just the other night. Yup. Cali Chicken Cafe. No one was looking and I stuck my tongue right in there like a mangy dog and then just downed the rest. Don’t look at me like that, it’s the same as chugging a yogurt drink…Ish…

I think I love condiments more than anyone I’ve ever met. When I eat a burger at home I smooth down a preliminary, thin layer of Dijon mustard, then of course there’s the mayo and ketchup and if I’ve got it in stock, I do sweet relish.

One of my best friends, Mike, hates mayo, any condiment really, and eats his sandwiches dry. I have no idea how he does it. Can you imagine eating a turkey sandwich with no mayo or mustard? Maybe his salivary glands are more pronounced than the average person? Maybe he’s got some sort of weird genetic defect?

Lately, gochujang has been the spicy, funky, garlicky gloop of my affections. Oh man oh man. I’m into this stuff called Mother in Laws. They also sell kimchi. It’s all insanely expensive and I’m already thinking about how to make it here at home which also means I’m wondering how I could make a cocktail with it. Yes, before you ask, there is a dude or dudette out there with a gochujang drink. His name is Dave Park and he’s in Chicago. The restaurant is Jeong and the drink is called…Wait for it…Gochujang. The recipe is a little…Suspect…To my tender eyes. A full .75 ounce of syrup, plus a liqueur, to just a half ounce of citrus juice. Yeah. Hmm. Anyway, here it is:

Gochujang

2 oz. Gin

.5 oz. Lime Juice

.5 oz. Calamansi Syrup

.25 Gochujang Syrup

.25 oz. Raspberry Liquor

Garnish with an expressed orange peel then discard said orange peel.

The thought here is: Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. Right? I don’t know. Maybe it tastes delicious and I’m an asshole. Probably both.

The salt content would be the biggest hurdle. That, and the amount of time you have to dedicate to making everything. The list of ingredients is more daunting than I originally thought. It’s not just thick spicy ketchup. I’m thinking this would be great as a sort of Bloody Mary type of thing. Maybe a crossover or mash up. It actually sounds pretty good. A homemade V8 with gochujang?