Ho ho! What else strikes such mindless craving in your regulars and ignites within their troubled souls a fiendish lust for sugar, fat, and salt? Beer nuts! Say it again! This time with gusto! Raise a toast to all that is holy and unholy and kneel to the king of bar snacks.

Are you a bartender worth your sand? Can you whip together some beer nuts for your regulars to enjoy?

Pretty easy: Equal parts everything and then whatever beer you have laying (lying?) around.

You may have to soak them nuts first. I used pecans. Soaked ’em to get rid of those atrocious tannins. Takes a day, so plan it out. A container filled three quarters full and then cold water to the top. Once they’re strained, pop ’em in the oven. God, I don’t know, 350° for 15-20 minutes? Get ’em brown, get ’em toasty. Weigh ’em out and put equal weight sugar, as dark as you can find, into a pot with as equal an amount of beer as your eye allows…This one isn’t rocket science nor even pastry science. I used double bock from the Czech Republic but I’m guessing anything works.

Boil it down, down, down until it’s nice and syrupy then throw those nuts in there and give it all a stir. You’ll know when. It’ll coat those nuts nice and pretty. Strain ’em off and throw ’em back in the pan sans syrup, no heat! Just utilize the pan as an already dirty vessel pre-seasoned with all the choice flavors. Add a good handful of the same sugar, a nice big pinch of salt…Stir, stir, stir…Put ’em on a pan to cool. Done…Yum, yum, yum…

My dad’s side of the family is deep deep into Ohio. Goes way back. All farmers, all people who lived to advanced ages…95, 98, 96, 100…Their secret? Pecans. Or so I’m told. They were mostly sober people too…Methodist types…But I’d rather have a few pops on the way to the grave and not live that long. Just sayin’…