The Aging Bartender

Enter: The Clothespin

Please, and I’m going to send this one out into the universe…NO MORE GODDAM CLOTHESPINS ON COCKTAILS!!! Please. Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top? Scrolling yesterday morning while on the toilet, enjoying the void while voiding, I happened upon an EaterLa post about the new mega Mastro’s Steakhouse in Beverly Hills. As I…

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  • Enter: The Clothespin

    Please, and I’m going to send this one out into the universe…NO MORE GODDAM CLOTHESPINS ON COCKTAILS!!! Please. Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top? Scrolling yesterday morning while on the toilet, enjoying the void while voiding, I happened upon an EaterLa post about the new mega Mastro’s Steakhouse in Beverly Hills. As I…

  • New Cocktail: Beauty Queen

    Kiwi. Say it loud, say it proud. KIWI! Yes, yes, the bountiful bosom of California has blessed us with a bunch of these weird, shaggy little old man testicles this winter courtesy of J.J.’s Lone Daughter Ranch up in Redlands, CA. Yeah, I don’t know where that is either. I feel like my childhood had…

  • Movie Review: The Menu

    I saw it just once and was only half paying attention, I’m no movie critic either, but here goes. If I were to rate this on a cocktail scale I’d give it a vodka soda. I enjoyed the premise, the performances, and the tropes of The Menu more than anything else in the movie. Ralph…

  • The Vesper

    “Hello bartender? Please water down my normally delicious gin with vodka.” It may sound cool to order a vesper, maybe you imagine yourself as the blue eyed, pouty lipped Daniel Craig version of James Bond, but you’re doing yourself no justice. One, you’re not even close to being as cool Daniel Craig in any way…

  • Post Valentine’s Day Report: 2023 Edition

    There’s no other “holiday” more hated than Valentine’s Day by the service industry worker. Why you ask? How do I put this the right way without sounding ungrateful, bitter, jaded, hateful, and downright evil? Well, first, there’s a lot of pressure. Huh? Isn’t it the same as any other night service? Hahahahahaha. No. The management…

  • New Cocktail: Bloodsport (2.0)

    I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself “How can I incorporate blood orange into a cocktail?” Hate to break it you, but Blood orange blows. Zero flavor, less even than OJ (the juice not the man). Flabbier than the underswinging flesh of my grandmother’s triceps as she waves goodbye. Despite this, people see it on the…

  • Bar Hack: Sort of Fermented Kumquat-Vanilla Syrup

    Oh the kumquat. Bearer of too many bad, lurid jokes. Here today, gone tomorrow. Most people, believe it or not, don’t even know what the hell one is. On top of all these bad traits, they’re one hell of a bite in the ass to prep. Anything small with lots of seeds will be that…

  • Farmer’s Market Loot: 2.12.23

    Not much going on at the old farmer’s market these days. Still thinking about a cauliflower cocktail. How would that work? Fresh, pureed fresh cauliflower syrup? Gross. Hmmm. That may actually work. What else does cauliflower go with? Raisins. Cardamom. Almonds. Oh damn. Eat your heart out, Nico de Soto. Koji rice fermented almond and…

  • New Cocktail: Hungry Eyes

    I’ve been meanin’ to tell youI’ve got this feelin’ that won’t subside I look at you and I fantasizeYou’re mine tonightNow I’ve got you in my sights With these hungry eyesOne look at you and I can’t disguiseI’ve got hungry eyesI feel the magic between you and I I wanna hold you so hear me…

  • My First Real Kitchen: Part Three

    Confused? Feel left behind? Ketchup. Part one is here. Part two is here. The rest of my first day went the same as any other dish shift I had worked at any other restaurant. I watched through the window as the lunch crowd came in and sat. Couples old and young. Business people. Going out…

  • My First Real Kitchen: Part Two

    Let me start part two by saying I had been in plenty of “real” kitchens already, this was just the first one that really meant a big deal to me. Not a chain, great food, an actual chef, etc. Continued from yesterday’s post. I arrived at 6:45 a.m. The stillness of the early morning speaking…

  • My First Real Kitchen: Part One

    I had already worked in a half dozen kitchens before I turned 21, even one where they let me cook the food. But there was one I still view as a huge benchmark, a place with an actual trained chef where everything was made from scratch. Of course, none of it was a walk in…