The Aging Bartender

My First Real Kitchen: Part Six

Still going… I started training with Kevin on the pizza oven after he found a dishwasher. From the get go it was evident he had no idea what he was doing. I got there early, at six, and he had to miss a meeting in order to train me, so right away a huge piece…

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  • My First Real Kitchen: Part Six

    Still going… I started training with Kevin on the pizza oven after he found a dishwasher. From the get go it was evident he had no idea what he was doing. I got there early, at six, and he had to miss a meeting in order to train me, so right away a huge piece…

  • My First Real Kitchen: Part Five

    Not so cocktail related (maybe more than I think), but I really enjoy writing about all the kitchens I worked in. This is a continuation of part four, from yesterday. After the salami, it became my daily responsibility to slice cheese as well. Big heavy loaves of mozzarella. I always made the slicer immaculate afterwards.…

  • My First Real Kitchen: Part Four

    This is continued from several posts a few weeks back. Here’s parts one, two, and three if you want to catch up. The alarm rang at six thirty and so did the pain in my shoulders. I have no idea how I put my feet on the carpet and walked into the shower but I…

  • Cocktail Names

    Frederick Nietzsche said (I’m paraphrasing major philosophical ideas here) names are all that are real. Once you call a table a chair, it is no longer a table, it is a chair and vice versa. The very act of naming, transforms metaphors into concepts, and if shared within a community, creates the possibility of communication.…

  • Enter: The Clothespin

    Please, and I’m going to send this one out into the universe…NO MORE GODDAM CLOTHESPINS ON COCKTAILS!!! Please. Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top? Scrolling yesterday morning while on the toilet, enjoying the void while voiding, I happened upon an EaterLa post about the new mega Mastro’s Steakhouse in Beverly Hills. As I…

  • New Cocktail: Beauty Queen

    Kiwi. Say it loud, say it proud. KIWI! Yes, yes, the bountiful bosom of California has blessed us with a bunch of these weird, shaggy little old man testicles this winter courtesy of J.J.’s Lone Daughter Ranch up in Redlands, CA. Yeah, I don’t know where that is either. I feel like my childhood had…

  • Movie Review: The Menu

    I saw it just once and was only half paying attention, I’m no movie critic either, but here goes. If I were to rate this on a cocktail scale I’d give it a vodka soda. I enjoyed the premise, the performances, and the tropes of The Menu more than anything else in the movie. Ralph…

  • The Vesper

    “Hello bartender? Please water down my normally delicious gin with vodka.” It may sound cool to order a vesper, maybe you imagine yourself as the blue eyed, pouty lipped Daniel Craig version of James Bond, but you’re doing yourself no justice. One, you’re not even close to being as cool Daniel Craig in any way…

  • Post Valentine’s Day Report: 2023 Edition

    There’s no other “holiday” more hated than Valentine’s Day by the service industry worker. Why you ask? How do I put this the right way without sounding ungrateful, bitter, jaded, hateful, and downright evil? Well, first, there’s a lot of pressure. Huh? Isn’t it the same as any other night service? Hahahahahaha. No. The management…

  • New Cocktail: Bloodsport (2.0)

    I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself “How can I incorporate blood orange into a cocktail?” Hate to break it you, but Blood orange blows. Zero flavor, less even than OJ (the juice not the man). Flabbier than the underswinging flesh of my grandmother’s triceps as she waves goodbye. Despite this, people see it on the…

  • Bar Hack: Sort of Fermented Kumquat-Vanilla Syrup

    Oh the kumquat. Bearer of too many bad, lurid jokes. Here today, gone tomorrow. Most people, believe it or not, don’t even know what the hell one is. On top of all these bad traits, they’re one hell of a bite in the ass to prep. Anything small with lots of seeds will be that…

  • Farmer’s Market Loot: 2.12.23

    Not much going on at the old farmer’s market these days. Still thinking about a cauliflower cocktail. How would that work? Fresh, pureed fresh cauliflower syrup? Gross. Hmmm. That may actually work. What else does cauliflower go with? Raisins. Cardamom. Almonds. Oh damn. Eat your heart out, Nico de Soto. Koji rice fermented almond and…